The Question

The question that's usually asked along with
"What time do you finish?"
"Busy?"
"Is this your car?"
Is
"Have you ever been offered a special favor by a young lady in lieu of the fare?"
Speaking honestly and because the wife might read this someday I would have to say no.
There have been "incidents" though.
There was one fairly presentable older woman who told me I was a "very s**y man" no idea why and obviously alcohol played a major part in her forming this opinion.
I had to relate this story back to my mate Tam in the driver's lounge and incredibly that night he had experienced a similar thing when a young lass getting out his car had leaned across and "snogged" him as a thank-you.
This has resulted in us still greeting each other as sexy and snogger much to the bemusement of passers-by.

redneck

Get a call to pick this guy up on a street so the controller gives me a description that he's obviously phoned in (of himself).
Long beard , baseball cap jeans t-shirt.
I cruise up and down the street and yup there he is.
Bear in mind this is Dundee but this punter looks like someone who should be giving Ned Beatty a hard time in Deliverance.
He gets in and I recognise him from a previous encounter.
That time he had been droning on about kids that lived near him and how it was all gonna stop soon.
To be honest he seemed harmless so I'm not too concerned this time.
Soon as he gets in he's leaning across at me and I have to gently push him back to his side of the car.
He tells me his destination and it is about twenty yards up the road and easily walkable.
I start to feel nervous and when he starts talking about "Doing something tonight that I might regret" am getting seriously freaked out.
He then says he needs to take a detour to a cashline so we turn off at a quiet row of shops , this is one in the morning in the schemes.
We pull up and as he gets out he hands me 20 quid and tells me I'd better not move.
So what would you do?
Obvious nut job has left the car and is now ten / twenty yards away but has left me with far too much money for the fare.
I decide this is ample compensation for the stress he's caused ease the car into first and am off down that lonesome highway.......yeeehaw.
I look in the mirror and he is doing a weird kind of hillbilly dance in the middle of the street I can almost hear the banjos.
I laugh out loud , what a freakin' job this is.

you've got to laugh

Get a shout to one of the less salubrious parts of town.
A party is winding up and there are wee knots of people out on the street
A young couple move towards the car so I pull over to let them in.
A guy on his own also staggers over and I notice he has a huge wet patch on the front of his jeans.
"Sorry he's not getting in my car" I tell them
They are quite apologetic and try and persuade me but eventually accept it.
This boy's not happy though and opens the front passenger door and tries to get in.
He's also made a move for something in his pocket and the young lass screams.
I'm thinking it's a blade so decide that this would be a good time to split.
As the car is an automatic I take my foot of the brake and am immediately moving forward.
Start to pick up speed and reckon the forward momentum will shut the door.
As I'm cruising along quite nicely I am aware of a clumping noise.
I look to my left and this nutter is running alongside the car holding onto the top of the door.
Without really thinking, I slam on the anchors with the result that the car stops but the boy keeps moving and slams his chin quite nicely into the still open door.
For a split second he looks at me and almost like a two year old whimpers about me bursting his face.
This time I really am off, shaken a bit strangely euphoric .
One more victory for the good guys.

Girl Number Two

She's heading into town very well dressed really pretty and nicely spoken. Not getting out at the usual pub drop off and to make conversation I remark on this.
"Oh I'm going to an AA meeting"she offers.
I almost laugh thinking she is having me on but then the story unfolds as it so often does from the back seat of cab.
Turns out she had been dry for six months then a neighbour had dropped in and asked her if she needed anything from the shop. Without thinking she had said "Yeah get me a half bottle".
Two days later wakes up after a major bender with accompanying mayhem, kids removed to their Gran, house in chaos and back to square one.
I wish her all the best and kind of admire her for the effort she's making against what must be a long hard road.

Girl Number One

I pull into the cul-de-sac and it's one of those streets where the planners have obviously taken great enjoyment out of creating an extremely confusing numbering system.
To add to the problem it's all narrow alleyways leading to stairways and arches and late at night dark and intimidating.
I give a wee toot and turn the car round and wait .......... and wait.
Looks like a no show (or a blooser as it's known) so I start to head off.
As I'm reaching the exit a wee lassie bounds down a flight of stairs so I inch towards her assuming she's the fair.
I wind down the window and lean out as she approaches.
"Looking for business mate?" she trills.
"Er no number 28 actually" I reply , a tad naivelly.
"Ok see ya" and she skips off down the street.
I'm not usually so slow on the uptake but this kid caught me right off guard compounded by the fact she looked liked your neice or wee sister but was actually a working girl.
Told this one back at the garage and all the wisecracks came out, like "Did you get a price list"and "Remember and get a receipt for the tax man".
Still, felt bit saddened by the incident.

Don't get mad get even

Three guys get in , it's about 7-30 in the evening Saturday.
They've been to the match, United against Hibs Cup Semi-Final.
Everyone seems to be in a good mood but fairly drunk.
The guy next to me is talking with great enthusiasm about the game and I'm quite happy to blether away to him.
It's all good natured and he somehow works out I'm a Dundee fan.
"You're a Dark Blue mate" he says "It's leaking out every pore in your body"
We have a bit of banter and a laugh but the punter in the back latches but he's not in such a good mood.
Seems he works with a few Dees and has to put up with a bit of stick.
Starts having a go at me and won't let go even when his mate tells him to zip it.
When we get to his estate I take a wrong turn and he continues with the abuse.
I get out to open his door as he is drunkenly struggling to vacate the vehicle.
He is still snarling at me and I am on the point of taking a swing when commom sense prevails and I think of the consequences and let him stagger off into the night.
His mate is full of apologies pays the fare and I'm away but fuming.
Couple of weeks later same pub, same time, same guy gets in.
No recognition obviously can't remember me so I turn the conversation round to football he takes the bait and starts laying into the Dee and their supporters.
This time I aint having it so slam on the brakes tell him to get out.
"I'm going nowhere" he says , and refuses to move.
I get out the car go round his side, open the door, lean over undo the seat belt(at which point he could do me) and pull him out the car. Am just about to pummel him when I turn around and realise I am in a nice wee suburb and there are loads of people out in their gardens watching the proceedings. I push him on his arse and tell him to walk and yup it felt good